When you feel overwhelmed, stressed, or “tipped,” what is your plan for self-care? 

Do you plan a night out with friends, or maybe a vacation?

These are the answers I hear most often when I ask clients how they might add self-care to their schedule.

Don’t get me wrong, time with friends is important, as social engagement helps regulate our nervous system. And of course, stepping away from our usual stressors and vegging on the beach or spending time with family is a great way to reset.

It just isn’t enough.

This is where the baby comes in.

Caring for a baby

I once asked a mother what she imagined would happen if she expected her child to go without food or rest. Her answer was instantaneous. She said, “It would be bad.”

Those who care for babies or young children know that it is much easier to deal with early signs of distress than it is to wait until a child has gone ballistic.

They also know that you can’t tell a baby, “Just wait until I finish this.” Or that they can’t put caring for their baby at the end of their to-do list.

Well, they could, and it wouldn’t be pleasant.

Babies don’t have the ability to understand that you will get to them later. What is important to a baby is what is happening right now, in this moment, and not what is going to happen tomorrow or even an hour from now.

“This cold wet diaper is uncomfortable and I’m going to let you know.  And, I’m going to keep letting you know until I get relief!”

In many ways, our nervous system is very much like a baby.

Our nervous system lives in the moment

The nervous system is like a big communication and command system. It is a system that operates very much “in the moment.”

The nervous system monitors and reacts to external threats or changes like temperature or the presence of predators. It is constantly monitoring what is happening inside—for instance, changes in our physiology like our blood sugar levels or hydration. 

It also responds to thoughts and memories—some of which may not even be our own. Stay tuned as I will share with you an interesting study about this in a future post.

Our nervous system sends signals about what is happening inside—signals ranging from the pleasant feelings experienced in relaxation or connection to the desperation, fear, or anger that is present when our system is dysregulated and we are tipped.

We can calm our nervous system and to do so we have to be paying attention, in the moment. 

Just as a mother risks having an inconsolable child when she ignores her child’s needs, if we aren’t paying attention, we risk dysregulation in our system. 

When we put off self-care, we risk a tip into the stress response, which is harder to come back from, or chronic dysregulation when being tipped has become our set point.

Would you expect a baby to wait?

Imagine being with a screaming baby and thinking, “I’ll change that diaper next week when I can take some time off.”

Crazy right?

And yet isn’t that what we do to our nervous system when the answer to being overwhelmed, stressed, or tired is to plan a vacation?

We have to take care of our nervous system with the same attention that we would give an infant—monitoring moment by moment or at least every few minutes.

We need to feed ourselves if we are hungry, use our feelings to notice internal changes and give our body the rest it needs now and not expect it to hold on until our next vacation or time with friends.

It won’t come naturally

New mothers learn to be attuned to their babies. They pay attention to them with enough frequency to understand what different cries mean and they also learn about their babies’ requirements for needs like for sleep and food.

It might make it easier for us if we had a screaming baby inside to get our attention and having a “screaming” nervous system is what we want to avoid, if we can. 

By the time our bodies are “screaming,” our system has moved into dysregulation or, as I like to describe it, we have tipped. We want to get good at noticing early signs of need in our body. 

For me, a sign that my body needs fuel is feeling tired or low energy. This often happens long before my stomach starts growling. 

To get good at noticing the early signals most of us have to be intentional—at least in the beginning.

Plan, plan, plan!

Just like with most things in our lives, to get good at noticing what is going on inside we have to plan how we will do it.

You might take a moment each hour or several times a day to connect with yourself—stopping to notice what is happening inside and making sure to give yourself what you need as soon as it is possible.

Noticing what you need and not doing something to meet that need isn’t helpful—think baby with a wet diaper.

When I was learning the skill of connecting with myself, I was most often getting ready for bed and realizing that I hadn’t connected a single time that day.

You may be better at remembering new things than I was, and for most people, a plan is essential in the beginning. 

You might

• schedule it on your calendar
• put an alarm on your phone 
• pair it with other activities like meals, or even getting in or out of your car
• wear a piece of jewelry that is new to you and will get your attention
• put up sticky notes

Use whatever works for you. Over time, connecting will become more automatic.

What will you do?

How might thinking about caring for a baby influence your own self-care?

How would a baby react or thrive if you considered its care optional, rather than a requirement?

What will you do to make sure that you are paying attention to the baby living inside of you?

I hope thinking about a baby has been a helpful way of thinking about self-care. I would love to hear your reactions. To do so you can leave a comment below or email me at [email protected]. If you know someone who might benefit from this post, please share.

With warmth and kindness,
Deb

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If you find it hard to be yourself in the world, need to keep others happy to feel okay about yourself, or get derailed by disapproval, check out my book Never Enough—Separating Self-Worth from Approval

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