Do you believe that you can make people happy?

When someone looks hurt or sad after something you’ve said, do you feel responsible?

Do you believe you must have made them feel that way? 

If so, you are certainly not alone.

Very often in my work, women share with me the belief that

• if they work hard enough,
• say the right thing,
• are a “good enough” wife, friend, co-worker, etc.,
• they can keep people happy and approving of them. 

And when others are angry, sad, or hurt, they blame themselves—sharing thoughts like, “I shouldn’t have said what I said” or, “I shouldn’t have brought that up.”

What I hear is that the other person’s reaction determined whether they should have spoken up or not. 

Isn’t that what it sounds like?

I feel sad thinking about that. What a position to be in to believe I can only speak up if the other person will be happy with what I have to say.

Unfortunately, this belief keeps many women from getting what they need. 

I think there are good reasons we have this belief. I won’t go into those here. And if the fear of disapproval keeps you from speaking up, please don’t be hard on yourself.

The roller-coaster of trying to please

Just to be clear, I’m not talking about considering the needs of others in deciding whether to speak up or meet your needs in other ways. Keeping both your own needs and the needs of others in mind when considering a course of action is important in maintaining connection.

I am talking about feeling responsible for the feelings of others—so much so that you spend your time trying to avoid causing uncomfortable feelings in others and striving to keep the peace.

Basing your sense of security on your ability to keep the peace or by avoiding disapproval can leave you feeling like you are on a roller-coaster, with your sense of security and self-worth rapidly rising and falling depending on the reactions of others.

Because no matter how hard you try, isn’t someone usually unhappy about something?

And isn’t it stressful trying to stay on top of everything so as not to disappoint?

The question of whether we have the power to make people happy wouldn’t be important if the belief didn’t result in so much stress. 

One would think that since this belief results in so much stress it would be an easy one to change.

Not so much.

A difficult belief to change

There are some good reasons that this belief is so entrenched.

First of all, our language supports this belief. It is common to say or hear, “She made me so angry,” or “He made me sad.” 

Think about how you express your feelings. Would you use the expression “made me”? I imagine there is a good chance that you would. It is something I have worked on and still find myself reverting to at times.

The other reason this belief is difficult to shake is that worth is often entangled with approval for women.

If my worth is dependent on your approval or happiness, it would be pretty important for me to believe that I have the power to make you happy, right?

Oftentimes, these connections aren’t obvious. Women simply find themselves constantly striving, trying to do more or be more. Driving that striving is the connection between worth and approval.

So, if you feel resistant to even thinking about debunking the idea that you can make people happy, try to give yourself some grace. Understandably, fear might come up when thinking about letting others have their painful feelings if you have spent your life feeling responsible for those feelings.

Okay, let’s take a moment to examine the belief that you can make people feel a certain way.

The myth of making people happy

Have you ever planned what you thought was the best surprise for someone only to have them seem nonplussed? 

Or fixed what you know is your spouse’s favorite meal only to have your spouse push it around on the plate?

Or have you thought you were saying something to avoid confrontation and the other person blows a gasket anyway?

We can have the best intentions for doing and saying things that we hope will “make” the other person happy, and what is going on inside that person is always going to determine how they react.

Are you thinking, “Well maybe I don’t cause it and I do trigger it” as one of my clients said this past week?

I guess that is true in the sense that everything in the environment can be a trigger for our brain. And the state of our nervous system and our past experiences will determine what is triggered.

Our state determines what we see and feel

What we see/experience is state-dependent.

Take a moment and think about how you might react if a friend calls to cancel your plans on a day when things have gone well, and you are feeling good.

Now take a moment and think about how you might react in that same situation on a day when nothing has gone right all day, and on top of that you’ve been in terrible pain.

How would your reaction to your friend’s call differ? Don’t worry about how you would handle it. Pay more attention to the feelings that would come up.

I know that for me on a good day, I am much more generous in my responses. I’m able to feel compassion for the other person’s situation and their needs. 

I would likely feel disappointed, and understanding and compassion for my friend’s situation would balance that disappointment.

Now on that day when everything has gone wrong and I’ve been in pain on top of it, things are likely to go one of two ways

• either I will see her as all bad (how dare she cancel at the last moment) 
• or I will see myself or my situation in a negative light (I must not be important to her, or nothing goes my way).

Things are good/bad, right/wrong when we are tipped. Those are our only options. 

So, my response would be very different depending on the state of my nervous system. My state will be determining how I respond to everything.

The other thing that will determine my response will be my past experiences and fears.

A big matching system

Efficiency and survival are main priorities in the brain. One of the ways the brain achieves both of these goals is by matching current situations with past events to predict what will be helpful for us.

If we had to direct every action we took, most of us would still be in bed, and as a species, we probably wouldn’t have survived long enough to invent beds.

We depend on the quick instinctive actions of our brain to keep us safe and to allow us to focus on other tasks requiring our attention. Think about getting in your car to drive someplace; do you think of every step in that process? Probably not unless you are new to driving.

How about when you pass someone in the hall and they say, “Good morning, how are you?”

Do you respond without thinking?

Or what if you were walking alone and heard footsteps behind you, would you instinctively turn around?

All of these are examples of the brain matching either previous experiences or possible dangers with a current situation to help us navigate the situation efficiently and safely.

It’s better to be safe than sorry

Have you ever had a big reaction to something someone said, only to later learn that you were totally off base in your reaction? I think most of us have had that happen.

Most often when this happens the brain has used a tiny clue to make an assumption of danger.

This is easy to understand when it comes to physical threats. While hiking you hear twigs breaking, and your adrenaline spikes only to notice a deer dashing away. This kind of reaction is understandable and essential to our survival. 

It is better to think that the noise is a lion and be prepared than to think it’s just a deer and be dead. And we want to get prepared as soon as possible, not when the lion is pouncing. 

It is a survival benefit to react to small signs and to overgeneralize. It is safer to assume things are dangerous when they may not be.

All well and good when it comes to physical threats. And what about relational threats? The brain doesn’t differentiate between types of threats—danger is danger to the brain.

In the same way that the brain reacts to small signs of physical danger, the same is true in relationships. A puzzled look, a sigh, a facial expression or tone of voice can all elicit a response. And we each respond based on our history and experience of danger.

We are all instinctually afraid of threats like fire, snakes, and other predators. In addition, each of us has our own set of what I like to call “lion wires.” These are fears that we have accumulated throughout our lives.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

This is the other reason that you have very little control over the feelings and reactions of other people. Their brain is going to be scanning the environment for any sign of something that has felt dangerous to them in the past. It might be a fear of being seen as socially awkward, not intelligent, not physically fit, or not thin enough. You name it. Whatever has felt threatening to them in the past.

You may be admiring your friend’s outfit, and her brain may instantaneously match your attention with fears of being too fat. As a result, she may be filled with shame. Did you make her feel ashamed? 

Or, if you have struggled with trusting your competence, a sincere question or even a person trying hard to understand what you are sharing might trigger fear.

Old wires and states

And the state of our nervous system will influence what happens when our lion wires are triggered.

Remember a few moments ago when I asked you to think about how your reactions might differ to a friend calling to cancel on a good day versus when you are tipped?

What if one of my “lion wires” is a fear of not being liked?

If I am having a good day, fear might come up when my friend cancels because my brain has matched her cancelling with my fear of not being liked. Because my thinking brain has not been disabled by stress hormones, I will be able to notice the fear and realize the fear isn’t reasonable. I will recognize that my friend’s cancellation is not a measure of her caring.

On another day, when I’ve been stressed and in pain, when that fear wire lights up, I may be way too far into the stress response to have a functional thinking brain, and instead of realizing the fear is not reasonable, I will likely tip into despair believing that no one cares.

Yes, my friend calling could be considered a trigger. And a trigger for what? Certainly not for despair as on a good day, I wouldn’t go there.

I hope these examples are helping to shine a light on how difficult, if not impossible, it would be to cause someone to feel a certain way. Only the brain and the state of the other person’s nervous system have that power.

what do you think?

I would love to hear your thoughts and reactions about what I have shared. What questions do you have? Would you like more information or further clarification?

Have you worked on changing this belief in your own life? What has that process been like? What made it easier for you, and how has changing the belief impacted your life? I imagine others would benefit from hearing your experiences.

With warmth and kindness,
Deb

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If you find it hard to be yourself in the world, need to keep others happy to feel okay about yourself, or get derailed by disapproval, check out my book Never Enough—Separating Self-Worth from Approval

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