Some Ideas for Starting the New Year

It’s that time of year again. A time when so many of us are feeling guilty about the eating we did over the holidays and are making resolutions to do things differently in the new year. 

It is also the time when a myriad of companies will begin vying for our attention. Over and over, we will see images of how our bodies “should” and could look, if we only followed their plan.

The combination of the guilt we feel and the messages we hear propel many women toward weight loss and dieting, even when dieting has not been successful in the past.

I get it and understand the pull.

I gave up dieting a long time ago. And for nearly that long I have been encouraging women to pay attention to the needs of their bodies through mindful, attuned eating rather than the needs of the diet industry. 

And, I can still find myself being pulled in by a new diet plan or a diet disguised as a way of being healthier. 

Diet wiring is like an old familiar highway in my brain. One that I rarely take and one that I can easily find myself traveling because it is so familiar and because it is connected to old fears of not being good enough.

I understand how difficult this time of year can be for so many women, so I want to share some ideas that I hope will support you as you make plans for the new year.

I’ve got to do something!

Are you feeling a sense of doom or feeling desperate to do something about your body?

When you are feeling doomed or desperate there is a very good chance that you have “tipped.” 

If you have worked with me or read my book Never Enough—Separating Self-Worth from Approval, you have heard me use the words “tip or tipped.”

For those of you unfamiliar with that term, when I use it, I am referring to a “tip” into the stress response. Tipped is a defensive state in the body. 

Being tipped changes everything. It changes how we think, what we see or perceive, and what we are capable of doing. 

We all “wobble”

I often describe us humans as being “wobble dolls” because we can so easily tip. The more primitive areas of our brain, as well as our nervous system, are constantly surveying our internal and external environments for any sign of danger. When a sign of danger is detected, a stress response is initiated and we are no longer in balance; we have tipped.

The stress response is most often a “gearing up” response, and the reason I use the word “tip” is because the lower more primitive parts of the brain become more dominant when we tip. 

The stress hormones disable the functioning of the thinking brain allowing the primitive brain and automatic responses to dominate.

We can tip from very real internal dangers like being too hungry, or external dangers like facing some type of predator. And we often tip from perceived dangers generated by our perception of a situation. 

I will continue to share more about tipping and brain states in future posts as recognizing your state is essential to good self-care as well as maintaining intimacy in relationships. And in the meantime, you can learn much more in Never Enough if you are interested.

A disabled thinking brain

If I am tipped and my thinking brain has been disabled by the stress hormones, I won’t be able to put information I am reading or hearing into perspective. I won’t be able to think critically about what is being presented.

I will also lack the ability to feel acceptance for myself or others. Being unable to think critically about what we are hearing combined with an inability to feel compassion for our own situation leaves us extremely vulnerable to the messages of diet ads.

In addition, without perspective, things are “right/wrong,” “good/bad,” or “always/never.” In reality, few things in life fit into one of these categories. When we are tipped, we are unable to recognize this distortion in thinking. We need the thinking brain for that type of complex reasoning.

So, if you find yourself thinking things like, “I’m such a failure” when thinking about your body or your eating, you are most likely tipped. It probably will not “feel” that way and you may truly believe you are a failure. And I bet if you were to get yourself back into balance, with your thinking brain back onboard, that you could think of some ways in which you do, in fact, take care of yourself.

Different states—different views

Our brain state will determine what we see—whether it is in our bodies, a situation, or in another person. It is the lens through which we view the world. 

Because of this, it is critical to get good at recognizing whether you are in balance or tipped.

When tipped, everything seems and looks scary and bad, including your body. 

So, when you notice yourself finding fault with your body, before doing anything else, it is important to be sure you are in balance and not tipped.

Have you ever worn an outfit and thought, “I love how this looks,” or “I’m so comfortable in this” only to wear it a few days later and feel miserable in it? Or, to have your body seem fine one day and find it horrific on another?

These changes are most often the result of changes in the state of our nervous system or what I refer to as our “state.”

Central to being in balance, when it comes to your body, is the ability to see both sides—to hold the “both/and,” and to be able to feel compassion. For instance being able to,

• recognize that there are things about my body for which I feel grateful and things I wish were different.
• feel acceptance and compassion for the body I have—the body that allows me to live, love, and experience life. 
• not particularly care for parts of my body and feel grateful for all that part has allowed me to do.

when tipped

When tipped, try not to make any decisions until you are back in balance.I know this is hard as the stress response pushes us to action.

Use whatever techniques you use to calm your system. Some people work on slowing down their breathing, others put their hand on their heart. 

For some people it’s actively engaging the thinking brain through questions like, “What would I say to my daughter or a friend if they were thinking this way about their body?” Or, “What do I feel grateful for in this moment?”

Sometimes, we just have to ride it out by putting one foot in front of the other until our thinking brain comes back on board.

When you can honestly feel compassion for yourself or others, your thinking brain is back on board. I’m not saying you need to get to a state of loving your body before making decisions.

I think we spend way too much time on the notion of loving our bodies. I remember reading a graphic once that said something along the lines of “Nothing is beautiful until we fall in love with it.” 

When we are in a state of love, what we see is beautiful. While tipped—not so much. I think a more accurate statement is, “Nothing is beautiful unless we are in emotional balance.”

As you choose

As you decide on your path for the new year, I hope you will do so from a place of balance—a place where 

• you are aware of things you would like to change or work on, and
• you can recognize or feel grateful for the opportunities your body has made possible for you in your life.

When we can feel self-acceptance and compassion for where we are right now, growth is possible. We cannot grow or change from a place of fear or shame. If you are struggling to get back to balance, there are more ideas about that in Never Enough. And stay tuned as I continue to share more about how to do that here, in my posts.

will you light a candle of self-acceptance?

As we move into the new year and you are making plans for what you want for yourself, how about starting by lighting a candle of acceptance for your body right now, just as it is? As you notice that light, become aware of your body as a whole—appearance and function. When you identify a part of yourself that makes you cringe, see if you can find the “light-side” or the gift that part gives you. Does it help you move? Did it provide a place for a baby to live and grow?

Remember, it is impossible to change or grow from a place of fear or shame so do what you can to find acceptance or compassion for yourself and your body. 

And once you have done that, could you share that warmth of acceptance with other women in your life?

I know I would like to live in the glow of that warmth; how about you?

I’d love to hear about how you lit a candle of self-acceptance in your life. You can do so by leaving a comment or sending me an email at [email protected]. And if you would like to receive notification of when posts like this one become available, be sure to sign up below.

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With warmth and kindness,
Deb

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If you find it hard to be yourself in the world, need to keep others happy to feel okay about yourself, or get derailed by disapproval, check out my book Never Enough—Separating Self-Worth from Approval

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