it all starts with loving self-acceptance

Deb Lang PsyD, RD; Licensed Psychologist


Loving self-acceptance opens the door to your inner wisdom, your intuition, and your connection with larger ways of knowing.

It is the fertilizer that allows you to blossom and and bloom – to be all that you were meant to be.


When you feel love and acceptance for yourself, your system calms. 

When your brain and body are relaxed you are in a state of receptivity. A state where you can receive information from both inside and out. You can feel wonder, be curious, consider different perspectives, feel inspired and supported. 

None of that is possible in a stress state and not feeling acceptable or “good enough” is stress inducing.

now? yes!

Yes, now!  This is your time! The world is waiting for you to show up. The universe is ready to support you being you and fully supporting yourself.

Now, not when you are thin enough, popular enough, successful enough. . . etc.

I know you might find it hard to believe that you can do this, now, right where you are in your life.  Believe me I get it.  I’ve been there.

And that is the great thing about self-acceptance, you can be right where you are – even if that is believing you don’t deserve it or can’t do it!


Right where you are.

Willing to give it a try?

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Still unsure about self-acceptance?

Having worked with so many women who have found it hard to accept themselves and having experienced it myself, I’m imagining that you still might be wavering on this whole idea. Maybe it has to do with believing there are things that you would need to change, first, in order to accept yourself.

I will accept myself when ….

Self-acceptance is so typically tied in with performance that most women believe they need to be doing well before self-acceptance is possible.

It often sounds like this, “How could I possibly accept myself,

  • at this weight
  • when I am so anxious
  • this reactive
  • don’t have a relationship
  • don’t work out
  • etc., etc.”

Or maybe the resistance has more to do with a fear that self-acceptance means giving up – that things will stay the same and you will be just accepting that.

I’ll never change if I accept where I am…

It is a pretty commonly held belief that we need to “crack the whip” and push ourselves if we are going to change.

But does it work? Not very well.

It turns out compassion and acceptance provide a much better “medium” for change and growth than does being hard on ourselves.

If you know my work, you know that I often use children to make a point. Most people can easily see something in an example with a child that they might miss in themself.

If you don’t have children, try putting yourself in the role of the child.

Think about a child trying to learn something and a parent saying,

mother upset with daughter trying to learn something

“What is wrong with you? Why can’t you get this?”

I don’t know about you and I would be too stressed to perform or learn.

Isn’t it easier to learn when you feel safe and okay to be where you are in the process?

“I’ll only love you if….”

So, continuing with the child example.

Would you only accept your child if they were popular?

Or, thin, calm, or smart?

You might want those things for your child and I doubt your love for your child would be conditional on success or achievement.

And, imagine what it would be like for a child believing that they need to achieve in order to be loved!

I’m sure some of you already know the answer to this, because you experienced it.

It is stressful. And, when are you there? When are you good enough?

one goal leads to another

When are you thin, calm, confident, etc., enough to be acceptable?

Striving for something usually leads to more striving – we are never quite there – never quite popular enough- calm enough self-assured enough, thin enough, etc.

And, it seems like one fix often leads to something else that needs fixing.

“Now that I am feeling more confident,

shouldn’t I be looking for a better job?”

Please know that I’m not saying there is anything wrong with continuing to grow or with change. Not at all!

It’s just that when being “okay” and lovable is based on some attribute – when is it good enough?

When are you good enough?

There is always one more hill – where the grass will be greener on the other side.

when we seek to be okay by things outside of ourselves, there is always one more hill - one more thing we need to change to be "okay"

When I think about that searching and striving I did in my own life and what I was really seeking, I was really seeking something that came as a result of those other things.

I was seeking peace and security.  

I thought achieving those goals would get me there.

But I never found the peace and security I was seeking through all of that striving.

Self-acceptance and compassion for myself has opened the door to both.

self-acceptance allows for a peace that isn’t possible when we are striving

When you are dependent on things outside of yourself in order to feel good, competent, successful, safe, it leaves you vulnerable and dependent on those things.

What if I:

  • lose this job?
  • my partner/spouse leaves me?  
  • I regain my weight?  Or,
  • my anxiety comes back?

When I am rooted in things outside of myself, I am constantly striving to be okay, to be safe, to be accepted.

If I am rooted in my core, in my self-acceptance and love for myself, it doesn’t mean that life is always easy.

It means that you trust yourself to be there for yourself – to show up.

Knowing that you will show up and be there for yourself is huge! And when I am in that state of inner connection, it opens me to the support of others and the spiritual.

It makes it so much easier to face the uncertainties of life.

It is like having your own built-in support system, cheerleader, security blanket, and road map.

And when we are anchored in our center, we can create healthy relationships that are supportive and sustainable.

when my security comes from inside me, I don't need you to make me happy

If my security comes from inside me, I don’t need you to make me be okay.  I can be me and let you be you.  

And, I can ask for what I need because I don’t need to keep you happy to be okay 🙂