Do you have those moments when 

• everything happening in the world, or in your life, seems totally overwhelming
• you find yourself sinking into desperation or panic, or maybe just staring into space
• and you can’t figure out what you could possibly do about it?

If so, I sure get it, as I’ve been there myself. The situations we face can certainly be overwhelming.

Those moments can seem like being lost at sea with no lighthouse in sight.

Unfortunately, we often make things worse by

• not paying attention to our needs in the current moment
• getting caught up in a future that has yet to happen—with a zillion options for how it may play out.

Both of these tend to tip us, * and in the process, we forget that we are capable women with good problem-solving skills.

I want to say that again. In fact, I’d like to shout it from the rooftops. You are capable! 

When and if the situation you are fearing happens, you will handle it.

You’ve just got to stop scaring yourself and start taking care of yourself, one moment at a time, starting with the current moment.

Election fear

I was working with a client a while back who was sharing her anxiety about the election. 

I asked her to look underneath the anxiety she was experiencing for her strongest feeling. It was fear—fear of not being safe. 

When I asked her what she needed to help calm that fear, she said, “I need to do something about what is going to happen, and I have no idea how to do that.”

As she said that, the tears began to flow, and her fear skyrocketed.

She was trying to solve a problem in the future—which of course she couldn’t do because she really didn’t know what was going to happen.

What do you need right now?

I understood her desperation, and the more she thought about the uncertain future, the more tipped she became and the less capable she was of thinking.

Her nervous system was gearing up to help her face the future danger she was imagining. 

So, on top of having no idea what was actually going to happen and how to prepare for it, her body’s stress hormones were disabling her thinking brain, making it even harder for her figure out what to do. 

She felt stuck—desperate to do something and incapable of finding an answer.

I knew I needed to bring her back from her fears and so I asked her, “What do you need right now in this moment?”

She replied, “I need to be safe.”

I understood what she meant—that she didn’t feel safe while thinking about the future, and I also knew that, sitting in her home talking with me she was safe.

So, I asked her, “Right now in this moment, are you safe?”

It took her a few moments to reply. When she did, she looked and sounded calmer. Realizing that she was safe had calmed her fear.

Asking ourselves what we need, right now, is an important first step—one that we often overlook. 

Taking the time to care for ourselves, in the moment, often helps those seemingly intolerable moments become more tolerable.

I’m not saying that planning isn’t important, and we just can’t plan very well from a tipped state.

And as much as we are drawn to solving future problems, in reality, the current moment is the only moment we have the power to change.

Trying to handle an unpredictable future

Unless there is something that you can do, right now, about a frightening situation in the future, spending time on it has a number of significant drawbacks.

• When imagining future possibilities, our nervous system responds as if those possibilities are happening right now. As the system goes into defense mode, stress hormones limit the very planning we are trying to do.
• We really don’t know what will happen and so how do you plan for that?
• Even if you have a good idea about what might happen, how can you be sure that you have thought of everything?

Trying to be prepared and cover all of our bases is a common strategy for dealing with fear, especially for those who struggle with anxiety. 

It just doesn’t work very well and often increases anxiety rather than decreasing it.

It has another drawback as well. In all that anxiety, we can lose track of our own capabilities.

When we are out in the future, we forget who we are right now

Once my client realized that she was safe in the present, she was able to think and reflect.

She realized that she had done all that she could do and that she is good at solving problems, and that wasn’t likely to change.

It wasn’t necessary to figure it all out now—she could trust that she would handle situations when and if they come up.

I could feel her accessing her strength and her wisdom.

How About you?

What are the skills and qualities you bring to difficult situations?

I bet you solve a multitude of problems each day without a second thought.

Do you bring people together toward a common cause? Maybe the school moms, the neighborhood, or your church?

Are you good at solving problems, like my client? How about organization—is that one of your strengths?

Or maybe you’re a good listener and have a calming presence.

Make a list of your strengths—they don’t have to be big or impressive. Maybe you are a hard worker, or you follow through.

You might also jot down difficult situations that you have navigated in the past.

Pull out your List

The next time you are spinning in fear about something that might happen in the future, take a moment to check in with what you need, right in that moment. 

Do you need to calm your nervous system?

If so, take a moment to do whatever helps your nervous system to move back into regulation. Maybe it is putting your hand on your heart, or talking to a loved one, or praying.  

Once you have calmed your nervous system, pull out your list and remind yourself of your competence. 

You don’t have to have it all figured out now. You have dealt with many difficult situations in your life, and you can trust yourself to continue handling difficulties when they come up.

Remind yourself that trying to figure out how to handle something that hasn’t happen will only lead to anxiety or panic.

If you have a hard time believing that you are competent or that you have the skills to handle future situations, you are most likely still tipped.

Sometimes that is just the way it goes. We try to calm our nervous system, and we stay tipped.

If this happens, try to be kind to yourself. We’ve all been there and as much as it might not seem like it in the moment, it will pass. 

I often say to myself, “Of course I would feel this way, I’m tipped. I’ll feel better in a while.” 

I also encourage myself to try not to take my thinking seriously— reminding myself that I can’t trust what I am thinking because it’s “tipped thinking.”

Repeat after me… “I will deal with it when the time comes!”

I hope what I have shared with you has been helpful and that you have taken time to acknowledge the strengths and capabilities that will help you handle difficulties the future may bring your way.

Keep reminding yourself that you don’t have to figure it all out now. You are a capable woman and will deal with the situations, when and if they happen. 

I’d love to hear your thoughts and reactions. What are the strengths on your list? How has your list helped to reassure you? Sharing will help others recognize their strengths. 

You can share your thoughts by leaving a comment below or sending me an email at [email protected].

Please share this post with anyone who is feeling fearful or overwhelmed.

*Tipped is a word that I use to describe when the nervous system is in a defensive state. To learn more, click here.

With warmth and kindness,
Deb

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If you find it hard to be yourself in the world, need to keep others happy to feel okay about yourself, or get derailed by disapproval, check out my book Never Enough—Separating Self-Worth from Approval

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